Calling MassHealth

Here's my actual conversation with Mass Health. I wish I recorded it. TRUE AND FUNNY.

Ring....Ring...Ring..

Mass Health: Good afternoon and thank you for calling Mass Health, my name is Shana may I have your first and last name?

Me: Hi yes. Daniel Smith; S-M-I-T-H

Mass Health: And how may I help you today?

Me: Well I'm trying to get health insurance and the website says it cannot verify who I am and can't process my application and that I needed to call this number.

Mass Health: Yes, I do apologize but I'm unable to process your application on the phone right now because our system is down.

Me: You can't process me even though the site says it cant process me and that I need to call you?

Mass Health: That's right sir. Both systems are down.

Me: But I've been trying to get health insurance for the last 7 days and I've gotten the same shit from you people. I just waited on the phone on hold for 40 minutes!

Mass Health: Sir, at this time I am only able to mail out a paper application to you. You will get it in 2-3 business days and after you return it to us it will take about 7 days to process.

Me: Ma'am ! I need insurance tomorrow! What do you want me to do? How can your system be down ALL MONTH!

Mass Health: Sir we are doing the best we can to fix the problem.

Me: What is the problem?

Mass Health: What sir?

Me: What is the goddamn problem!? I have a right to know. I am good with computers I can understand if you tell me what the problem is!

Mass Health: Sir i don't have that information. We apologize and we are working on it.

Me: How about if I say I tell you that I can't pay my taxes this year on time. Sorry, my pen ran out of ink and my computer crashed, so I can't do my taxes this year. Please accept my apology, I'm working on it. You'll get it eventually, but I'm working on it, sorry.

Mass Health: Sir you still have to pay your taxes.

Me: So you tell me I still have to pay for something I am not getting?

Mass Health: Well sir I can send you our a paper application.

Me: No, I did not pay for a paper application. I paid for a website.

Mass Health: Sir...

Me: I want to know who's fault this is.

Mass Health: Who's fault?

Me: Yeah. Who's fault?! Let me explain something to you.... if this was the private sector, and something like this was as fucked up, SOMEONE WOULD BE FIRED! I want to know WHO will be fired over all this. Who's fault is this?

Mass Health: I'm sorry I do not have that information sir. I can have a supervisor call you back.

Me: Can he get me insurance?

Mass Health: No sir. We are at the mercy of the computer system. Do you want me to have you call you back?

Me: FOR WHAT? He cant't help me. AND I DONT WANT TO JUSTIFY ANOTHER MORON'S PAYCHECK. If he calls me back, my tax paying dollars are going toward his paycheck and he can't even help me!

Mass Health: Do you want a paper application sir?

Me: Ma'am, the website and phone service was supposed to streamline and make the process efficient and affordable. By sending a paper application that means someone has to process it. SO YOU PEOPLE ARE JUST CREATING CUSHY JOBS! Why was a site even made?

Mass Health: I'm sorry sir.

Me: No. I'm sorry. We all have fool written across our foreheads. I'm done. Goodbye.

THE END.